did i take the red pill or the blue pill?

Do you ever have a day that feels like some other day that you've already lived? I know, confusing. What I mean is deja vu of course. All day today I felt like this was a day from my childhood and I've already lived this day. So of course all day I've been plagued by nostalgia and memories. Today feels like a day steeped in time; stuck, stopped, and waiting for the time continium to rev up and continue.

personally.....

I hold these truths to be self-evident (to me):

people are cruel and mean spirited when they don't feel good inside
I have little control on others around me
fear will only make me feel smaller and less in control- but control isn't everything
I have many faults
time for myself is not time misspent
what you see is what you get
life can be easier if I let it
ignoring the problem won't make it go away
I know more than I think I know but less than I would like to
a little kindness goes a long way
the world is made up of many yet few have the power
it is important to do the right thing and being cliche doesn't change that
wish in one hand and shit in the other

have you ever spent time with a teenager?

ugh. sometimes i wish i could just say exactly how i feel to everybody i know. i'm a halfway decent communicator, there are moments of suck but then there are flashes of light also. so why is it i can't communicate with her?
wait-communication is a two way street. and i'm decidedly alone on this particular stretch of road. i've asked question after question in hopes of sparking some kind of connection. little responses but they are like a little bit of rain in the desert, at first you're hopeful and then you realize that it's already dried up before it even hit the ground.
why am i trying so hard? well, contrary to my hard boiled exterior i'm as delicate as an unfertilized yolk. one prick and my gooey insides are everywhere. of course i want her acceptance. what's more is i wanted to build a relationship with her. perhaps i'm too impatient?
who knows. i can certainly tell you it's only been 38 hours and i'm already counting the days till she leaves.

crazy is as crazy does

damnit. i had written exactly what i wanted to say and then stinky monkey sat on the lap top and erased it.

i feel to sad to try composing it again.