Change Change Change

I love fall. It's my favorite season. The harvest, the crisp air, the leaves that change colors and then fall to the ground, crunchy and spent. It's a great time of year.

To be or not to be?

I really want to do it. But I'm afraid to do it. Wtf is my blooming problem?!? Arrg I hate being afraid, indecisive, intimidated, and insecure.

Just do it little girl.

In other news.

I am REALLY glad that this summer gig dropped into my lap. It's a great opportunity for me to gain more experience music directing, which I want to do a lot more of. It's a wonderful connection and hopefully I will be asked back again someday. It looks great on my resume. It could save me if/when my job gets cut next year.

Gratefulness aside, I am TIRED. I never got a break between gigs. I am really tired and I don't have the energy to nest. The desire is there, but the energy is not.

Positive thoughts, positive thoughts.

The end of another year.

Le sigh, I made it. Thank god. This year has been a roller coaster of highs and lows to such extremes that I thought I would die at times. I mean drop dead from frustration, anger, or sheer disdain. If you are dying from simple emotion it usually means you are so upset that something important inside you pops. Not a pleasant way to go.

Sometimes I wonder "Where the hell did this little minions of the dark side come from? Did they crawl from a crack in the ground? Hellmouth in Sunnyvale?" Then I meet their parents, and it becomes crystal clear. There's a good chance if that little turd in your 3rd pd 7th grade class can't demonstrate respect towards a woman that dear ol' dad will be an ASSHOLE on the phone when you call him to discuss his son's shitty behavior. I will not miss these darling little fuck faces. The best part is the students expect you to just take their attitude and annoying behavior. As a teacher, I don't have the right towards feelings or emotions. I am supposed to just take the abuse and be nice and respectful back. Does anyone see the disconnection with basic human emotion here.

I am glad I have a few weeks off to decompress and forget how much I hate other people's children. Before I have to go back to work.

Why must I always have crushes?!?

So I have a crush, but not the kind that you think I have. I know my reputation has preceded me.....no this crush is on a school district. I love what they do there! I covet their classrooms and their support. I want them to call me up and invite me on a date, bringing my favorite flowers and taking me to a nice restaurant. They will order a nice bottle of red wine and the cheese plate as an appetizer and then lean over and whisper sweet nothings in my ear. Like "Please come work for us, we need you, we love you, we can't live without you! Anything you want will be yours! New piano, performance space, keyboard lab, smart board, whatever you need, just please don't make us wait!"

We ride off into the sunset and make beautiful music for happily ever after.

Finally! A lazy summer's day...

Breath in, breath out. What a July. 5 nuptials in 7 weeks is entirely too many. Of the 5, we attended 3 rehearsal dinners because we were somehow involved with the ceremonies. All 5 ceremonies were completely different. I have broken them down chronologically.

June 26th
R.& J.
Location: J.'s mom's house (giant place overlooking the marina) in San Rafael, CA
General Feel: Backyard BBQ
Bride wore: Tailored yellow dress with pretty red flowers embroidered throughout.
Groom wore: Matching yellow shirt & chinos
Music: Classical guitar before & during ceremony. Guests had to serenade the bride & groom in order to recieve plates for the buffet.
Food: Potluck buffet-a mish mash of tasty mexican & other random stuff like mac n cheeze with eggs.
Tidbits: A very heartfelt ceremony. The ride to was the worst part. We were staying in San Jose & it was 100 deg and an hour drive. We borrowed a car with no AC & the long & short of it is this: I showed up wearing my bikini & threw my clothes on in the bathroom.

July 11th
G. & S.
Location: Bear Creek Golf Club, Woodinville WA
General Feel: Classic fancy wedding. Not annoying fancy, just really nice fancy.
Bride wore: beautiful white wedding dress with veil.
Groom wore: Tuxedo!
Music: IPod playlist during the ceremony, lady DJ afterwards. G. walked down the aisle to Darth Vader's theme. It was awesome & perfect and he worked it!
Food: Salmon, prime rib, other tasty treats.
Tidbits: Super sweet party. Hung with Chris & Cara for a lot of it (til they ditched me on the dance floor with the REALLY drunk chick).

July 25th
T. & M.
Location: the point at Coleman Park, Seattle, WA
General Feel: A day at the lake!
Bride wore: Tailored renaissance (sp?) dress in green & gold.
Groom wore: green vest & white shirt. Lookin' sharp!
Music: Celtic band for ceremony & after party.
Food: Sandwiches, fruit, veggies. Deviled eggs, which I ate as many of as possible because I love them and am too lazy to make them for my own enjoyment.
Tidbits: One of those thing where everything that could go wrong, well, DID go wrong. But they got married & the ceremony was awesome and shortly after the church group partying next to us in the park had baptisms in Lake WA. And I went swimming cuz it was HOT.

July 31st
A. & R.
Location: Mt. Baker Community Center, Seattle, WA
General Feel: A rocking party!
Bride wore: A gorgeous cream colored dress. Beatiful lace & sparkle details.
Groom wore: A nice charcoal suit.
Music: Me! I sang her down the aisle & noodled afterwards during the cocktail hour. For dancing there was Ipod list that supplemented the fantastic funk band (they were really good-louder than hell but good!).
Food: Prime rib, shrimps, pasta buffet. Boroccinis' Cake-Good stuff.
Tidbits: R. is my best friend, and I was so happy to help and be a part of their wedding. It was hot, but everyone looked so good, and I danced my heart out all night long. Someone, not to be named, got a little too drunk (re: a LOT) and threw up. And up. And up some more. But all in all it was a fabulous evening.

August 1st (yea-the next day!)
Z. & K.
Location: Lake Union Cafe
General Feel: Wedding
Bride wore: white dress with the most beautiful veil I've seen.
Groom wore: Tuxedo with running shoes
Music: pianist noodling before ceremony, bride walked to Canon in D, DJ for dancing.
Food: Wedding Buffet (at this point-I'm over it!) Ben & Jerry's ice cream cones.
Tidbits: Too small a place for people to move around comfortably. I wouldn't really care for myself, but my papa is 90 & moving is difficult for him. It presented extra stress. My cousin's daughter, Bella-8 months old and she stole the show. She's got fat arms & did a great baby dance. Everyone was on the floor doing the Bella.

Please. No more weddings for a while. Thanks.

Do you sense the pattern?

I am very tired. Granted, I knew that this job was going to kick my ass-I watched my pappy become worn down and a shadow of his former self. However that doesn't change the fact that I am completely worn out and lacking all sorts of motivation to do anything. I started a group that meets at 7 am before school because I'm trying to build a program at this shabby little school. Rehearsals for the musical have started, and they go until 5 (because I am trying to build a program at this shabby little school) so on Tues, Wed & Thurs I have kids from 7 am to 5 pm with a 90 minute break. Which is NOT LONG ENOUGH.

"So what?" You say. "Man up-you can do it!"

Well, quite right I say. Now let's put the rest of the puzzle pieces into place. I have 2 church jobs (because one job at crazy church just ain't enough!). Rehearsals are Tues 7-8 and Thurs 5:45-6:45, performances 5-8 on Sat & 8:45-10:30 on Sundays. Do-able right? WTF is the big deal? Lotsa people work every day of the week-why're you whining you pansy!?!

Well, let's add in the prep work for school, an hour before and an hour after school. I really only do one of those hours, but that doesn't change the fact that there is that much work that needs to be done. So I am constantly falling behind, already behind, in 'ready to kill myself because I will never catch up' behind. May we please add the threat of RIFS (Reduction In Force), the cutting of the arts budget, the reduction in MY SALARY, and the death of yearly pay increases? Because you asked so nicely-why shore!!

But wait-there's more!!

My schedule is changing next year-we will start earlier and be done earlier-not bad. But admin managed to sneak an extra 10 minutes of teaching time that we will not get paid for. Imagine working an extra hour a week without compensation. On top of the extra 10 you work without compensation. And a pay cut looming. Don't mind me, the paper bag always makes that crinkly sound when I hyperventilate. And now the school district would like us good for nothing, lazy, over paid and under qualified teachers to let the students into our rooms when they arrive at 7 am. But they aren't calling it 'contact time' so we won't get paid for that either. Ahem-who do you think will be sued if something happens to their kid in my room at that time of the morning? I'll give you a hint-it's not a large man with an afinity for red!!

But what really really REALLY pisses me off is the declaration that NO DENIM will be allowed at schools anymore. Except on Fridays, and only if you make a $5 donation to the charity of the district's choice.
(WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING)

Well who the holy hell fire damnation do you think you fucking are?!? You half wit morons who don't have anything better to do than sit around and figure out more mutherfukin' hoops for us idjits to jump through can kiss my rosy red ass. I will wear jeans on Friday if I happen to have the itch in my tiny twat to do so. I have had it with your lack of reality, your sense of superiority and your ability to piss me right the fuck off. If I want to wear jeans-I'm going to fucking do it without any pussy pansy kowtowing to you and your bitchy charities. I AM TRYING TO BE A GOOD TEACHER!!! PLEASE GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY AND STOP HASSLEING ME WITH THE SMALL SHITE, YOU SMALL SHITS!

ahem-that is all.

Workin' it...

I've been to the gym 10 times in the past 2 weeks. I've lost 3 lbs and gained definition in my biceps and thighs. Being healthy is boring (as in stick in the mud), painful (as in NO PAIN NO GAIN), and difficult to begin (as in it's a bitch to motivate my ass to get the gym-we're talking Major Pep Talks here).

But I feel good and have been sleeping fairly well for some one living in my insomniac and crappy bed state.

And the train went rattling on by.

These are the things rolling around my brain.

1. Hope is better than nothing.
2. Change is slow, but good.
3. One second at a time.
4. I love to dance-it doesn't happen enough.
5. In the future, I would like to live somewhere WARMER.
6. In small doses-nostalgia is great!
7. I love icanhascheezburger.com because I am a giant dork.
8. Being a homeowner, while scary and overwhelming, is a totally AWESOME EXPERIENCE.
9. I am exactly where I should be, even when I don't believe that fact.
10. I love that RP is getting hitched!!
11. My job is really difficult and mercurial, and I get a little better at it every week (I wanted to say every day, but that's not true and once you start lying on your blog it's all over!)
12. Love my kitties. They are great companions.
13. My reality is exactly what I believe it to be.
14. Paid off my credit card!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
15. I want to live each day with no regrets, and to it's fullest because you never know when it's your last moment in this conciousnes.

Good bye old, hello new!

1. What did you do in 2008 that you’d never done before?
Bought a house!

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I make resolutions every day, so new year's isn't any different.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
My cousin had a baby girl in October. Bella Linda is her name!

4. Did anyone close to you die?
yes

5. What countries did you visit?
the country of Adulthood!

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
belief in humanity

7. What dates from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
4-2: bought our house! 9-2: first year of Marriage!

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
learning to balance work and personal life more effectively

9. What was your biggest failure?
Letting my anxiety rule.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Nothing that wasn't part of getting another year older.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
A new car. I love my Lil' Bit.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Grrg and I have made some serious relationship steps. We are learning to communicate effectively and without drama....WHO KNEW?!?


13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
The leaders of this country, and my ability to stay strangely still.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Home!! New car. Probably spent more on clothes than I needed to.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Buying a house. But I need to clarify-the excitment was preceded by trepidation, anxiety, and wariness. I have become excited in the past 90 days! Love our home....oh and getting a kitten named Monkey!

16. What song will always remind you of 2008?
I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder?
happier (or more content)
b) thinner or fatter?
fatter.
c) richer or poorer?
richer. relatively.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
exercise, meditation, art, reading, forgiving

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
being negative

20. How did you spend Christmas?
traveling to families in the snow!

21. Did you fall in love in 2008?
with my little Monkey

22. What was your favorite TV program?
the office makes my heart sing with laughter

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
can't think of any new additions to the List

24. What was the best book you read?
uh-didn't read anything that is worth remembering!

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Pandora. a hells yes!

26. What did you want and get?
a clearer sense of self. and a navigator!

27. What did you want and not get?
belief in my strength. i guess there's always next year.

28. What was your favorite film of this year?
Wall-E. Like an upper but you don't swallow it....

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Holy f-31. hung out with my bro, bought myself a beautiful brown wool coat-on sale!

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
a peaceful mind.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
how can i mask my muffin top and still look cute and professional?

32. What kept you sane?
purring kitties, internet surfing, bitching to friends

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Alicia Keyes. DeeeLISH!!!

34. What political issue stirred you the most?
The elections.

35. Who did you miss?
Jennifer.

36. Who was the best new person you met?
I got closer with my lady co workers which was nice. It's good to have girl back up at work!

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008.
Stress and worry are silly. Things will work themselves out as need be, and what you can control-you will. Everything else is what it is! (remind me I said that later!)

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
I do it for the joy it brings
Because I'm a joyful girl
The world owes me nothing
We owe each other the world

Ani Difranco

title. cause i can't think of one.

i have no idea.
it's hard to tell.
there is chaos here and there.

i wish that it was a poem.
i wish you could compare me with somebody noteworthy;
someone whose words,thoughts,deeds,desires left such an imprint
that they have been remembered.

but it's not. i've got no legacy.
there is nothing i have done that will be worth
remembering longer than my lifetime.
however long that may be.

all i can do is watch and wait.
listen to the words that the spin around me,
swirlingswirlingswirling.

on THIS day...

i love candy.
hubby thinks i'm bony
so i've been eating alot of candy.
i wanted to quit my job today.
just walk out, leave. i felt like crying.
then hubster brought me a double tall white mocha.
i'm spoilt.
will i ever feel like i'm good enough?
i work too much. i have too many jobs.
i spend so much time working that i can't relax.

my day

1. woken up by hubby at 3:30 when he came to bed
2. woken up by cats at 4:30 when they knocked (another) plant on the floor
3. overslept cuz i just couldn't drag my ass outta bed. STARBUCKS THIS MORNING
4. 7th graders and 6th graders rolled eyes when asked to sing-4 hours of eye rolling people, imagine it.
5. 8th graders have improved (omg they're LEARNING-blogging just to remember this moment)
6. had a 45 minute talk with a student after school where she told me that she doesn't think her mother loves her.
7. went to a stinky dance with stinky teenagers. seriously PEEE UUUUUUU. it clings until you are wearing the smell.
8. got cut off by a guy running a stop sign. he mouthed 'what's up bitch?' as I slammed on my brakes and gave him the what's up hands.
9. dry cleaners cleaned out my wallet. seriously, $50? it's not a dress, it's a long shirt god damnit...
10. found hubby's awesome pumpkin. god he's good at that. and he straightened the living room. i'm in heaven.
11. went to the varsity football game, held the first down sign. froze my tush off.
12. came home, mouse proofed the garage.
13. g'night. i'm done.

what do you believe will heal you?

light of all lights,
i want you to heal me
take my pains, my fears and worries
these things i do not want
i am tired of carrying them

will this plea draw you in?
will you enter in my life,
someone who knows how to how to
a healer wheeler a dealer
someone who knows how to get in

spectacular and amazing contingencies
contradictions are good for the soul
do you want to cover all the bases
spreading your energy thinly through each line
or jumble everything into one

this will cause a need for validation
the peopled person involved will suffer
thereby desiring albeit subconciously to make others suffer
all who do not believe exactly as you believe
will experience pains, fears and worries

this is how full the circle is

STREAM OF CONCIOUSNESS BLOG

i'm tired
my heart is restless
i miss alaska
my kittehs are lovely
my diet sucks
i miss Jenn
my car rental is up on Friday
i get to talk to parents all day tomorrow
i flirted like a slut with my dentist
i'm really a 12 year old boy-cuz i love South Park
my living room color sucks and it's my fault
i drink too much
my TMJ causes my jaw to get stuck either open or closed at least twice every day
this blog is stupid
monkey likes to eat bark
i love playing and singing praise music
i did all my chores today
i have a deep abhorrence for stupid/ignorant people and i mean DEEP
it's too late for me to be awake but i am
i am strangely attracted to adam sandler in Don't Mess With the Zohan
i'm glad i married the man i did
i hate the sound of my own voice
sometimes i have no idea how to teach my kids how to sing, cuz i don't really know
my refrigerator is broken
i'm going to bed

These are the things I've learned.

I will survive. If not, then I don't have anything to worry about anyway.

Be wary and pay attention.

Close your eyes and live your life blindly sometimes.

Tell people that you love them often, even if it sounds cliche and awkward (as long as you mean it).

Sleep is really important.

Good food is really important.

I am a strong woman.

I want to be stronger.

If I trust in myself then I will find the right place.

Fear is a silly set of pants that I wear because I am delusional enough to believe that I should.

mayhaps things are looking up (?!?)

of course i most likely just jinxed myself...

might get more money than expected re:stolen vehicle. work's ok, lookin' up and apparently I'm doing alright. am making more $$ starting this month. house is slowly but surely settling. thank yous are going/gone out.

life keeps on truckin'. glad i've still got my rig and am making good time.

Over my head...

...yup. That about sums it up. G'night.

distracted.

can't seemt to focus on any one thing for more than five minutes. am distracted by thoughts and emotions. my mind wanders all over the place, like an over fed fly who can feel the draft but can't find it's way out of the window.

Purple People

Well hey do you do judo when they surround you
A little mental yoga will they disappear
It's grim but never dubious as motives go
One things she always promise, promise is a show

Thunder wishes it could be the snow
Wishes it could be as loved as she can be
These gifts are here
For her, for you, for me

I watch me do this other thing I never know
If I'm marooned or where the purple people go
Then lily white matricide from vicious words
It doesn't leave a scratch so therefore no one's hurt

Thunder wishes it could be the snow
Wishes it could be as loved as she can be
These gifts are here
For her, for you, for me

And on and on the nurses make it clear
Just when you escape you have yourself to fear
A restaurant that never has to close
Breakfast, every hour it could save the world

So hey do you do judo in your finery
An angel's face is tricky to wear constantly
Thunder wishes it could be the snow
Wishes it could be as loved as she can be
These gifts are here
for her, for you, - for me


Tori Amos