title. cause i can't think of one.

i have no idea.
it's hard to tell.
there is chaos here and there.

i wish that it was a poem.
i wish you could compare me with somebody noteworthy;
someone whose words,thoughts,deeds,desires left such an imprint
that they have been remembered.

but it's not. i've got no legacy.
there is nothing i have done that will be worth
remembering longer than my lifetime.
however long that may be.

all i can do is watch and wait.
listen to the words that the spin around me,
swirlingswirlingswirling.

on THIS day...

i love candy.
hubby thinks i'm bony
so i've been eating alot of candy.
i wanted to quit my job today.
just walk out, leave. i felt like crying.
then hubster brought me a double tall white mocha.
i'm spoilt.
will i ever feel like i'm good enough?
i work too much. i have too many jobs.
i spend so much time working that i can't relax.

my day

1. woken up by hubby at 3:30 when he came to bed
2. woken up by cats at 4:30 when they knocked (another) plant on the floor
3. overslept cuz i just couldn't drag my ass outta bed. STARBUCKS THIS MORNING
4. 7th graders and 6th graders rolled eyes when asked to sing-4 hours of eye rolling people, imagine it.
5. 8th graders have improved (omg they're LEARNING-blogging just to remember this moment)
6. had a 45 minute talk with a student after school where she told me that she doesn't think her mother loves her.
7. went to a stinky dance with stinky teenagers. seriously PEEE UUUUUUU. it clings until you are wearing the smell.
8. got cut off by a guy running a stop sign. he mouthed 'what's up bitch?' as I slammed on my brakes and gave him the what's up hands.
9. dry cleaners cleaned out my wallet. seriously, $50? it's not a dress, it's a long shirt god damnit...
10. found hubby's awesome pumpkin. god he's good at that. and he straightened the living room. i'm in heaven.
11. went to the varsity football game, held the first down sign. froze my tush off.
12. came home, mouse proofed the garage.
13. g'night. i'm done.

what do you believe will heal you?

light of all lights,
i want you to heal me
take my pains, my fears and worries
these things i do not want
i am tired of carrying them

will this plea draw you in?
will you enter in my life,
someone who knows how to how to
a healer wheeler a dealer
someone who knows how to get in

spectacular and amazing contingencies
contradictions are good for the soul
do you want to cover all the bases
spreading your energy thinly through each line
or jumble everything into one

this will cause a need for validation
the peopled person involved will suffer
thereby desiring albeit subconciously to make others suffer
all who do not believe exactly as you believe
will experience pains, fears and worries

this is how full the circle is

STREAM OF CONCIOUSNESS BLOG

i'm tired
my heart is restless
i miss alaska
my kittehs are lovely
my diet sucks
i miss Jenn
my car rental is up on Friday
i get to talk to parents all day tomorrow
i flirted like a slut with my dentist
i'm really a 12 year old boy-cuz i love South Park
my living room color sucks and it's my fault
i drink too much
my TMJ causes my jaw to get stuck either open or closed at least twice every day
this blog is stupid
monkey likes to eat bark
i love playing and singing praise music
i did all my chores today
i have a deep abhorrence for stupid/ignorant people and i mean DEEP
it's too late for me to be awake but i am
i am strangely attracted to adam sandler in Don't Mess With the Zohan
i'm glad i married the man i did
i hate the sound of my own voice
sometimes i have no idea how to teach my kids how to sing, cuz i don't really know
my refrigerator is broken
i'm going to bed

These are the things I've learned.

I will survive. If not, then I don't have anything to worry about anyway.

Be wary and pay attention.

Close your eyes and live your life blindly sometimes.

Tell people that you love them often, even if it sounds cliche and awkward (as long as you mean it).

Sleep is really important.

Good food is really important.

I am a strong woman.

I want to be stronger.

If I trust in myself then I will find the right place.

Fear is a silly set of pants that I wear because I am delusional enough to believe that I should.

mayhaps things are looking up (?!?)

of course i most likely just jinxed myself...

might get more money than expected re:stolen vehicle. work's ok, lookin' up and apparently I'm doing alright. am making more $$ starting this month. house is slowly but surely settling. thank yous are going/gone out.

life keeps on truckin'. glad i've still got my rig and am making good time.

Over my head...

...yup. That about sums it up. G'night.

distracted.

can't seemt to focus on any one thing for more than five minutes. am distracted by thoughts and emotions. my mind wanders all over the place, like an over fed fly who can feel the draft but can't find it's way out of the window.

Purple People

Well hey do you do judo when they surround you
A little mental yoga will they disappear
It's grim but never dubious as motives go
One things she always promise, promise is a show

Thunder wishes it could be the snow
Wishes it could be as loved as she can be
These gifts are here
For her, for you, for me

I watch me do this other thing I never know
If I'm marooned or where the purple people go
Then lily white matricide from vicious words
It doesn't leave a scratch so therefore no one's hurt

Thunder wishes it could be the snow
Wishes it could be as loved as she can be
These gifts are here
For her, for you, for me

And on and on the nurses make it clear
Just when you escape you have yourself to fear
A restaurant that never has to close
Breakfast, every hour it could save the world

So hey do you do judo in your finery
An angel's face is tricky to wear constantly
Thunder wishes it could be the snow
Wishes it could be as loved as she can be
These gifts are here
for her, for you, - for me


Tori Amos

Broken Heartedness

I don't like it when my heart hurts and there is nothing I can do about it. My heart hurts for Jen, for Aunt C. & Kirby, Beeper, and Uncle C. For Nona, Papa, and my Mom and Dad who have to be reminded of the painfulness of losing a child. My heart hurts to know that I knew this was coming, I sensed it a month ago, that she was not long for this world. I wish I could have told her how much I loved her before she left, that I always loved her, that she was always my favorite cousin. I am angry with her for not loving herself as much as I loved her, her mother, her brother, her grandparents, her stepfather, her aunt and uncle, her cousins, her niece and nephew, her stepchildren loved her. My heart hurts because she chose to commit suicide, but to do it slowly and publicly. We all had to sit and watch it take too long, helplessly knowing that she wanted to die and not being able to do anything about it. There were efforts made to reach out to her, to offer help, to give her a shoulder to cry on, a shoulder to lean on. She didn't want the help, and I saw behind her eyes that she didn't believe she deserved it. She didn't believe that those of us who are hurting today cared for her at all.

And I am pissed.

bwahahahahahaha!

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

i like this.

more animals

annoyed with the sound of your voice

i am annoyed with the sound of your voice. it grates on my nerves and screams HELLO I AM TOO LOUD. i want to punch you so that you understand how annoyed i am. each punch will represent one of the words that you have just said to me that are too loud.

there will be a lot of punching.

did i take the red pill or the blue pill?

Do you ever have a day that feels like some other day that you've already lived? I know, confusing. What I mean is deja vu of course. All day today I felt like this was a day from my childhood and I've already lived this day. So of course all day I've been plagued by nostalgia and memories. Today feels like a day steeped in time; stuck, stopped, and waiting for the time continium to rev up and continue.

personally.....

I hold these truths to be self-evident (to me):

people are cruel and mean spirited when they don't feel good inside
I have little control on others around me
fear will only make me feel smaller and less in control- but control isn't everything
I have many faults
time for myself is not time misspent
what you see is what you get
life can be easier if I let it
ignoring the problem won't make it go away
I know more than I think I know but less than I would like to
a little kindness goes a long way
the world is made up of many yet few have the power
it is important to do the right thing and being cliche doesn't change that
wish in one hand and shit in the other

have you ever spent time with a teenager?

ugh. sometimes i wish i could just say exactly how i feel to everybody i know. i'm a halfway decent communicator, there are moments of suck but then there are flashes of light also. so why is it i can't communicate with her?
wait-communication is a two way street. and i'm decidedly alone on this particular stretch of road. i've asked question after question in hopes of sparking some kind of connection. little responses but they are like a little bit of rain in the desert, at first you're hopeful and then you realize that it's already dried up before it even hit the ground.
why am i trying so hard? well, contrary to my hard boiled exterior i'm as delicate as an unfertilized yolk. one prick and my gooey insides are everywhere. of course i want her acceptance. what's more is i wanted to build a relationship with her. perhaps i'm too impatient?
who knows. i can certainly tell you it's only been 38 hours and i'm already counting the days till she leaves.

crazy is as crazy does

damnit. i had written exactly what i wanted to say and then stinky monkey sat on the lap top and erased it.

i feel to sad to try composing it again.

literary damage

to be or not to be that is the question.....

well, that's not MY question.

my question goes a little deeper

to have or not to have.....

that can be applied to so many things:

to have a second helping?

to have a drink?

to have two shots of espresso?

to have a baby?

to have a night out?

to have a stupid pointless fight?

to have or to hold?

to have a cow man?

to have the guts to do it?

to have a healthy fear?

to have my own opinon?

to have a dream?

to have a bowel movement?

to have a temper?

to be or not to be? no-a long time ago maybe. now it's to have or have not. that is the question. whether tis nobler to have and ignore those who lack or have and then give away joining those who lack is the question.

bad hair day

things to NOT do when you don't like your hair cut:

do not go back and demand that she fixes it (it's the only salon in Teatown that i like)

do not dye it some random color hoping that the cut will miraculously fix itself

DO NOT CUT IT YOUR SELF (experience talking here)

do not buy lots of hats if you're not already a hat wearer

do not buy expensive new hair products that you've never tried before

things TO DO when you don't like your hair cut:

do straighten it

do curl it

do put every single product you already own (even those hiding in your closet that you've had for years and years and never used )

do buy cheap hair accessories (cheeeeep)

do try new ways of pinning it in various configurations with all of the above do's enacted and check it every half hour or so.

do chill out and relax-it'll grow out eventually (but go ahead and see if you can't get it fixed while on vacation!)

borrowing from yvanka

things that are my favorite:

the day AFTER the last day of school.

having a healthy glow to my skin

enjoying the silence

brand new cellie

having a savings account

a summer job where you get to make your own schedule and decide your own work type and load

wtf wtf wtf`

wtf? i've been tanning a few times recently. it's the first time i've ever gone. on the first day i had this horrible completely irrational fear that the bed was going to close and get jammed randomly and that i would be trapped in a painful death of slowly roasting to death out of some absurd vanity. is that too much or a for real fear? all of the above. i'm only trying to jump start my tan so that i don't fry like bacon in phoenix. fry piggies fry.

My freedom kicks your freedom's ASS

I hate the phrase 'freedom isn't free'. I agree that there is a price to pay when protecting the rights of all. But the connotations of the phrase these days seems to condone (among other things) violence, bullying, and a lack of respect for other cultures. It's as if the phrase is becoming synonomous with 'fuck you'. I'm sure there are those who disagree with me, but really consider it-we are sending our men, women, and children to another country where they die while some try and protect the men, women and children of that country. I have a hard time making the connect between the deaths and violence and how that affects the freedom of the American people. Freedom isn't free there's a hefty fucking fee, but who picks up the tab? Don't ask that question-there will be finger pointing and things of that nature. Unfortunately, ignoring the bill doesn't result in much more resolution than ignoring the stupid utilities man (don't get me started on the monopoly of elecricity, gas, sewer, garbage, and water that exists in my world-that's a rant for another day). So who pays? Do we go dutch? It often feels like I'm on a bad date with some asshole who keeps trying to put his arm around me and grab my tits while expounding on the morals and ethics he holds dear to his heart. Like this one time, during my crazy time as a Mormon girl when I went on a date with this guy-we'll call him David-and it felt like a black and white Twilight show episode. I had worked all day, and I was really tired so I kept yawning. That and the guy was a douche bag who assumed all sorts of ridiculous gender roles for us and that he was in charge. Boring. Every time I yawned he told me how rude it was, and finally he threatened to stick his finger in my mouth the next time I yawned. I'm sure that he wanted to stick something else in my mouth. I told el douche-O that if he did that then I would bite his finger. The smug bastard: "You can't, yawning is a reflex and you won't be able to close your mouth." We only had one date, can you believe it? I pretended to yawn and bit the wacked out freak when he stuck his fucking finger in my mouth. I digress. My point is that I don't really like the way the definition of freedom has morphed to mean something other than 'the state of being free or at liberty rather than in confinement or under physical restraint' But what do I know? Not a goddamn thing, that's for sure.

tootightened

tootightened toofrightened unsettled teakettled stressed strissed undressed shrieked stacked drawn and quartered face feels greasy shoulders tightened there are thoughts and knives and forks and pills thoughts of negative nature making me feel bad things and creating tingles and toes and i have a hard feeling my soul afraid why can't i why won't i don't i shouldn't spiraling spiraling spiraling ouch ouch tingle skreet so take that assholes

your desperation is showing

i watched you

sidling beside her flower

hoping steal her attention,dignity,energy,affection

you are a desperate thief-jonesing for affection

i could smell your sickly sweet aroma

almost like the stench of death covered

buried underneath the smell of gardenia

{gardenia is code for old spice and l'oreal hair gel}

yours is an open casket burial

open because i watched morbidly

*)fascinated(*

by the way you pulled the dirt over your

head.shoulders.knees.and.toes

are you wishing for death?!?

hoping to be caught with your hand in the cookie jar

a serial lover who leaves clues to his undoing

i watched you

and was glad that your attention was diverted

so i could escape while silently judging your eager determination

to fall again

yo mama

these dreams mix with my

re-memories.

i think at one time it was good?

but on this day i feel (too much)

on this day your springly sprangly thoughts

reach into my currency

-my heart is a money clip

a roll of ones with a hundred on the outside-

isn't it amazing how your bitter taste

can still reach my mouth even years later

even eleven hundred miles away